Great Presidential moments
Filed under: Constructive Criticism — MrBogle @ 6:09 pm
It’s been just over a week since George W. Bush revealed to German reporters that his best moment as President was “when I caught a seven-and-a-half pound large mouth bass on my lake.”

Well, as a news-junkie I thought: “Surely, that can’t be his greatest moment as President! I mean, there are so many to choose from.” So, leaping onto the internets and doing a Wrexus search, I found that, indeed, our President has given different “best moments” to different outlets over the years. Here are some of the results.

Bush revealed to “Strife Magazine,” that he finest moment was very recent. “It was when I figured out how to deal with the immigration issue without dealing with it at all. If I order National Guard troops to the U.S. - Meskin border and not have them do anything but pose, it’ll get a lot of people off my back. Plus, the states have to foot the bill. I call it ‘Operation Pork and Beans.’ A-heh-heh.”

To “Guns and Whammo!” magazine, he said: “No doubt about it. The whole ‘Shock and Awe’ thing in Baghdad. Watching us blow the Hell out of that city just gave me goose-bumps. Ya’ see, when I was growing up - on the 4th of July? Nobody allowed me to have firecrackers. All the other kids had M-80s, cherry bombs and Depth Chargers and stuff that blowed up. I got stuck with sparklers. Sparklers! You know what that tells your friends about you? How much harm can you do with a sparkler? You prance around like a fairy. For years, I was known as ‘Tink.’

“Hell, you could do more damage with matches. Later, of course, I was allowed to have fire-crackers and blow up frogs. But, by then, I was thirty five.”

In “Movie-Maniax,” he revealed. “It was five years ago. I was relaxing and watching ‘The Towering Inferno’ on TV. It was on all the channels. Must’ve been one of those ‘watch it for free and, then, sign up’ cable deals. I couldn’t figure out why there were two towers, tho. And I couldn’t find Lorne Greene. I loved him on ‘Bonanza.’ Everyone around me seemed really upset. I figured that was because they couldn’t find Lorne Greene, either. Not to pat my own horn, but I was the first one in the entire White House to figure out it was just a crummy re-make. Everybody was impressed. I could tell by their wide-eyed looks. Count me out on this new ‘Poseidon’ thing.”

To “X-Ray Specks Journal,” he revealed: “The best time I ever had was when General Heidi-Ho Hayden brought me down to that super-duper secret NASA spying thing we got goin’. He let me put on a headset and listen to some of the phone conversations. Very 007. I got a good recipe for pie outta that deal, too. Apparently, terrorists are into baked goods. But that whole NASA set-up? No wonder these guys could land a man on the Moon. Next year? We should try landing on the Sun! Think about all the energy we could find up there!”

In “Popular Stigmata” magazine, he opined: “I think the best moment was when Jesus first appeared to me in The White House, after my meds. At first He looked a lot like Laura, just a’ shaken’ me, but then, he morphed into the spitting image of Our Lord Savior, but He didn’t actually spit. Then, God the Father appeared! Until I was focused, He looked a lot like my Mom. They yelled at each other, like a Father and Son do, but then, they agreed that I was put here on Earth to preach the word and spread democracy through bombing. The white bird flying around the room creeped me out, though. I was afraid Cheney was going to run into the room and blast it.”

To “Bike and Crash” magazine he said: “The best time as President is when I’m on the ranch and I just go biking with really tight clothes on and a nifty Flash Gordon helmet. It’s like, I’m free, ya’ know? I like seeing nothing but open road in front of me. The sky and the trees and the open road. I just ignore the two hundred heavily armed people riding behind me with all those ambulances in case I fall down and scramble my face.”

On the “One-Liner On-Line” web site, he said: “I’m a great fan of comedy. Not too many people know that. I love plastic vomit and whoopee cushions and depleted uranium. I’m a fan of all the greats: Dennis Miller, Gallagher, Bill O’Reilly, Himmler. I love to laugh and to make people laugh. My best moment came, two years ago, when I made that hilarious tape for the White House hacks where I’m looking for the missing WMDs. I mean, that was performance art at its best. I killed the audience. The ones I didn’t kill? I maimed.”

To “He-Man Magazine,” he said the best moment was when: “I fought that pretzel of doom out of my mouth. No doubt about it. It was the work of terrorists. They were probably practicing the black arts. That pretzel just started choking me, ya know? But I fought it back, eventually overcoming both the pretzel and its accomplice, the coffee table. Both were arrested. That coffee-table is now at Gitmo. The Pretzel? I turned it over to the dogs at Abu-Ghraib. They love to sink their teeth into salty things.”

In “The Orwellian Times,” he confided: “My best day was probably when Karl and I came up with the idea of setting up ‘Free Speech Zones’ wherever I appear. Karl is a real genius. I was talking about drowning protesters like kittens in a sack and he came up with this idea that, if you move protesters a mile or so away and put ‘em in a cage, you don’t have to drown them. And, a big plus, you can’t hear them at all. Or, see them, either. I’m still pushing the sack idea, though. Making big sacks would bring a lot of jobs to the U.S. Stay tuned.”

In “The Tolstoy Tattler,” he revealed: “My most exciting moment was when I met Pootie-Poot for the first time and I saw his soul. I mean, I’m looking at this big guy, (He’s ex-KGB which, by the way, is different from KFC. Pootie pointed that out to me after I made some chicken jokes.) and I see his soul. It was a little-bitty thing. Kind of looked like a ball of tinfoil. I remember telling him that I peeked into his soul. He stared at me with his jaw all stiff and said: ‘You are a perfect fool.’ That’s the kind of sense of humor he has. I tried to be modest. ‘Hey,’ I said, ‘Nobody’s perfect.’”

In “Goose-Step Gazette,” Bush revealed that his best moment came “When Dick told me about Presidential authority. I mean, basically, I can change or piss on any law I want to because I’m a war-time President. I mean, all I have to do is add a line here or a line there. Here’s an example. Suppose I have a law that says ‘everyone’s allowed a trial by his peers.’ I just change it to ‘no-one’s allowed a trial by his peers.’ Just put my name and a little smiley face sticker on it and it’s all legal. I feel like Mel Brooks, when he said ‘It’s good to be the King,’ except I’m not a short Hollywood Jew.”

To the Disassociated Press he said. “Meeting Stephen Colbert was a gas. Man, I like this guy more than anyone else on Fox. He tells it like it is. I was frowning when he was talking ‘cause I was listening hard as he was getting out my talking points. It was like I was listening to the voice in my head. He was that good. Like he said. Who cares about the polls? I mean, what do I care about Poland?’ Plus his hair shines better than DeLay’s.

“Later, Turd-Blossom told me it was a comedy routine. I said to Turd-Blossom, ‘Fool me once, shame on somebody. Fool me three or four times, it’s a Who song.’ He shook his head and walked out. Somebody told me he was going to do a ‘frog-march’ soon. I’ve never seen a frog march, only hop and blow-up. It should be an interesting sight.”

In “Spy Vs. Spy Quarterly,” he bragged: “My best moment was when Valerie Flame was revealed as a subversive agent and her husband, Mr. Flame, was hung out to dry for telling the truth about lies. That will teach ‘The New York Times’ to let anybody but Judy Miller take steno from us. Steno is a lost art and that’s a fact. But, we’re trying to get it back into the mainstream. So far, it’s working pretty good. And, now, we have Tony Snow. Done deal.”

To Roto-Reuters, Bush waxed: “When I saw Saddam’s statue get torn down by our paid protesters? I got all teary-eyed. It was like watching the end of ‘Old Yeller,’ but without the dog and with a whole bunch of swarthy people on the take, instead. Staged news is what makes this country great. I am proud to be part of that process. If anything topped my ‘Top Gun’ moment, it was the Saddam deal. Hmmm. Well, maybe bringing electricity to a powerless New Orleans for two hours so I could give a speech after Katrina was better. We’ve staged so many phony news events, it’s hard to choose.”

Finally, to “The Tin-Foil Tribune,” Bush declared: “My best moment as President was when we invaded Iran, declared martial law and suspended the 2006 elections. Oh, sorry. That hasn’t happened, yet. Well, the cat is out of the bag, so keep it under your hat, my friend. The news, I mean. Not the cat. Just remember, I know where you live and what kind of pie your Aunt Martha bakes. And, how’s your wife? Is she out of de-tox, yet? Did you know your kids talk to strangers with candy? Have a pretzel?”

And, that’s the way it seems.

Good-night and God help us.